Christmas 2017

I sit here on the day after Christmas, thinking about our yesterday—Christmas Day when the kids are 15 and 12. Compared to past holidays, this one was quiet. We didn’t go anywhere and no one came here–it was just our small family, at home, on Christmas Day. ( We were just in NYC, last week).

Part of me felt bothered by this…..in my mind,Christmas should be a big, chaotic event like it was when the kids were smaller, but I am trying to keep remembering that change is inevitable. The craziness of the holiday when the kids were small slowly adjusts to something different. We still managed to make a mess though—and it is still sitting there, just like that. I haven’t wanted to clean it up, just yet.

We had lots of fun —-surprising Nova with a balance beam, a gymnastics mat and a new phone. Sawyer was thrilled with his new longboard surfboard and luckily the ocean had a gift for him and Aaron too. Pretty little waves for an evening surf session.

For me, it was kind of an emotional day. I knew that Aaron had been working on my present, hidden away in Nova’s room for a week or so. Sitting under the tree on Christmas morning was a giant cardboard box, kind of shaped like a picnic basket. Aaron had taped two boxes together, wrapped with duct tape. It looked very punk rock.

I finally opened it, once the craziness of everyone else opening their presents subsided a bit. And, then I broke down in tears.

In the box, was a cast of me—when I was pregnant with Sawyer. We had made the cast a few days before I gave birth to him (15 years ago!) and it has traveled with us ever since. A few years ago, it fell and broke into hundreds of small pieces. I have tried to throw it out a few times, and eventually just stored it in the garage with lots of other junk that Aaron cannot bear to throw away.

For my gift, Aaron decided to piece it back together. There are holes where he couldn’t find the pieces. There are big cracks, my fingers are mangled and the whole thing has a coating of dust on it.

It looks better than it ever has.

The birth of Sawyer was the start of our little family and back then, I couldn’t have imagined what the future held for us. The past fifteen years have been filled with some amazing things: the birth of Nova, fun adventures with the kids, building a business, moving, and watching the kids grow into the amazing people that they are becoming.

I think I broke down because this past year has been hard for me. I have been sad a lot. I have been angry a lot. I have felt unsettled and unhappy, feeling like I should be doing more, I should be more, I should do everything better.

Aaron’s gift reminded me that I am just fine, right where I am, actually.

Today is perfect. I am perfect. This moment is perfect.

The broken pieces, the lines, the dust—those are just evidence of a life well lived. A life well loved.

A life that is just perfect, just as it is–with all of the blemishes, cracks and broken pieces.